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Magic Mike and A Million Turgid Tomatoes


Um yah.

Um yah.

Ooooh yah. First, let me get the rating out of the way. I give Magic Mike XXL ten stars and about a million fresh, turgid tomatoes. It was the DisneyLand for forty-something married women. It was the Nascar of Penis; the Oscars of Pelvic Grind. This movie did not disappoint for one moment. While Channing Tatum and the Magic Mike crew performed their dances of sweaty glory, I laughed to the point of tears, and rolled forward slapping my thigh enough times to make it look like I was on an ab machine. To be fair, I did hear some women complaining about the lack of a “plot” but I’m not sure what you would expect from a movie that has almost a triple X in the title. So, hands down, pants down, this movie is a laugh out loud, crowd pleaser.

But sadly, this movie isn’t for women – or it shouldn’t be. The marketing department completely missed it’s target audience. Magic Mike could serve as the greatest Public Service Announcement the world could offer – to men. No, not  twenty year-old men or college guys hanging in the clubs but 35-50 year old (probably married) men that need a couple of pointers in the desire department. Our desires.

Passion.

Passion.

Yes, I know it’s a movie and I know they have abs cut like an ice-cube tray but that’s not what the ladies like so much about the show. (Okay, it is a little.) But what they really like is the attitude. The moves. The game. Guys, I implore you to watch this movie and get some game. Some spice. A bit of sauce. Channing Tatum literally gives you the recipe. Magic Mike says, (spoiler alert)….. “follow your passions” “Do what makes you feel good”  Then magically all the sexy-hot will ooze out of you and you’ll rip off your clothes while you grind the floor in mock sex doing one arm push-ups. See? Simple. Follow your passion. Move over Tony Robbins.

In the movie, one of the guys describes his job as a ‘male Entertainer” he says, “We are like healers to these ladies.” Damn right they’re like healers. Their ‘passion’ heals our tired souls, heals our pent up desires and heals our need to be worshipped, and who doesn’t want half naked, body writhing, hip thrusting worship?

Channing Tatum and his backwards ball cap is about as good as it gets in the female fantasy department – he moves like a cheetah, he emotes like a woman and he plays the insightful friend like a god. So gentlemen, this is your PSA, buy a ticket to Channing Tatum University; take notes, study hard, and apply that passion in the privacy of your own life. And if that doesn’t go well, buy your spouse another ticket, there’s always a ‘healing’ matinee.

 

 

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